The Serenity Maxim – A Simple But Overlooked Plan

Eight years ago I experienced first-hand one of the most profound tragedies imaginable. Without going into many details – my adopted son came to us through this tragedy and he has yet to understand the full details of his birth parents’ deaths – I can tell you that it was a conscious decision made by one person that adversely affected numerous lives; changed them forever. And sent at least one, me, on a mission to find out why people choose behaviors that hurt others.

I was a woman obsessed. After our initial shock and the resulting court entanglements, I found myself wanting to know the big question: WHY? No one of the many people affected could answer it. They were all asking the same thing. Being a longtime reader, I turned to where I had consistently found answers to my questions before, in the written word.

I searched libraries, book stores, and the Web for an answer to why people commit this particular act. I was astonished when weeks and then years of searching went by and I could not find the answer I was looking for. Not only that, but I could not find any answer. It seems, to this day, no one knows.

I should not have been surprised. There is no simple explanation. I was not asking, “How do I plant a garden?” or “What steps can I take to insure my next career move is successful?” This was more of the question that philosophers and religious leaders take the lead on and can never agree upon within themselves.

The emptiness and anguish inside me was great. And I was not any closer to extinguishing those feelings than the day after the incident took place. I had to adjust my plan. Instead of finding solace in understanding, I had to find acceptance without understanding.

This was not an easy task and once again I threw myself into information hoping for a magic formula to lead me to peace. I never found a “formula.” What I stumbled upon after intensive study and introspection was the basis for my serenity maxim.

My three steps to inner peace are:

Realize that life is a learning experience.

Perfection has always been a way of life for me. There has never been an in-between. You are a success or you are a failure. You are good or you are evil. You win or you lose.

What an impossible standard to live by. The truth is that we are all in different stages of development. We shine in areas where others need work. We need work in areas others shine. And, most often, we are some degree of both.

What defines us is not where we are at this moment, but where we are in the next, and the next. And the next. It is not who we are, but who we become. Those people who find meaning and happiness are the ones who can build positively on both their strengths and weaknesses. And be able to do so without chastising their past mistakes.

Dwelling on the past can only impede both your progress and your inner calm. One of the best books I found to help me understand and overcome this is The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle. The freedom to live in the now can help you use every moment you have as a learning experience.

Know that everyone is at their best for any given moment.

Every moment you live, you do the very best you can do at that moment. What you are is what you have built to that moment, and you can only act in accordance with who you are.

Your best arises out of your awareness. Remember Rule #1. Life is a learning experience. Your learning reveals itself in your awareness. And your awareness guides you to your present actions. You can only act the best you can given your life lessons to this point of awareness.

Ideally, your present actions teach you so that future actions arise from greater awareness.

Remember this very important universal law, and you can not expect more from yourself than you can possibly give. Belief in this principle will free you from any guilt you might inflict on yourself and, in return, facilitate rather than hinder your learning process.

I learned this wonderful guidance from a book by Dr. Robert Anthony, The Ultimate Secrets of Total Self-Confidence.

Freeing as this may be for your state of mind, it also allows you to look at other people in a different light. If someone has wronged or hurt you, you can now understand that they, too, are acting in accordance with their best choices at their own level of awareness in any situation.

Seeing people as doing their very best at the moment will pave your way to the final step, forgiveness.

Make forgiveness a daily practice.

Long ago, I came across a truth that seems backwards: Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. Since practicing this rule myself, I realize how true it is.

Forgiveness lifts the burdens you carry away. Forgiving yourself frees you to make progress toward a life of love and laughter. Forgiving another person does not release him or her from the responsibility for their actions. It does place that responsibility on that individual rather than creating shared responsibility when you allow their actions to hold you hostage.

Forgiveness may need to come in steps. That is why you must practice it daily, especially when the wrong is great. But reminding yourself of the first two rules can assist you in coming to terms with any wrongful act. And isn’t the peace you find at the end of the day worth it?

We all have precious few moments to make the most of in our lives. I have come to use my serenity maxim in times of stress, sadness, and despair. It has served me well. I hope you find something in it to help you too.